if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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