Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
