Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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