i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize