seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
