dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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