Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He better not be in your backpack
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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