Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
