So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
