my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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