Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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