ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize