Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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