He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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