I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I believe in your delicious
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize