Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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