the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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