Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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