what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
