we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
