A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
