nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
