I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
