My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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