How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
