this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
