I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
FUCK WHALES
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