I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
