if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
