I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
