Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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