I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
