Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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