At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
