Do you still have your period?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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