Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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