I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
