I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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