last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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