i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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