so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
a search helicopter?!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
