i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
