I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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