just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
