You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
