alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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