I am spending my child support on dildos
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
