Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
