Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize