U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
