Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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