I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
