that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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