i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
