Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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