OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
one might say we're banned from that church
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
