Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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