I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
