It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
