don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am full of burrito and curiosity
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
